"On Tuesday night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S."
"Germany is filing a war crimes lawsuit against Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for allegedly allowing the torture of prisoners in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay. Man, that's when you know you've crossed the line -- when Germans are accusing you of war crimes." --Jay Leno"Yesterday, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter."
"I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher
"President Bush, on Wednesday, held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority. Which, if true, can only mean one thing -- the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler
"On Thursday, the Army launched its new recruitment slogan, 'Army Strong,' which replaces their previous slogan, 'Army of One.' Meanwhile, the Navy is sticking with their recruiting slogan, 'Iraq: It's Almost Entirely Landlocked.'" --Seth Meyers
"Today is Veteran's Day, so that won't affect anyone in the White House."
"Next week, President Bush is going to Vietnam. So, it looks like he's finally going to finish up that National Guard duty."
"The only thing that really broke for conservatives on Tuesday was gay marriage. You know what state bucked the trend? Arizona. Conservative Arizona. I love Arizonans. They don't care if gays get married as along as they're not marrying a Mexican."
"Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it." --David Letterman
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. They're asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on an average?"
"Most people are giving about a gallon."