Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Conservative Crank Even Stupider Than Ahmadinejad: Swears Soy Makes Boys Too Girly

God save me from these people.

Columnist claims soy products reduce penis size, make men gay

A column published today on conservative website World Net Daily claims that use of soy products leads to reduced penis size and higher rates of male homosexuality.

In "A devil's food is turning our kids into homosexuals," author James Rutz claims that soy raises human estrogen levels, causing the shifts.

Maybe instead of calling these idiots, the Bushist fascists, merely "Orwellian," we need to add "as if they just popped out of a fabulous Stanley Kubrick movie scripted by Terry Southern, and ran rampant over the landscape, wreaking havoc and making zero sense."

To wit:

General Jack D. Ripper (to Group Captain Lionel Mandrake):
Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?

Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.

Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?

Well I . . . I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.

On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.

Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite . . . see what you're getting at, Jack.

Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize that . . seventy percent of you is water.

Unhhh, God . . .

And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.

Yes. (Chuckles nervously)

You beginning to understand?

Yes. (Chuckles. begins laughing/crying quietly)

Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?

Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.

Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?

Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.

Well do you now what it is?

No. No, I don't know what it is. No.

Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?

(Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.)

Oh well. Turns out, it wasn't the fluoride, it was the soybeans.


Comandante AgĂ­ said...

This article had me cracking up all day long. Are we sure it wasn't meant to be published in the Onion? I'm still having trouble taking this author seriously.

No Blood for Hubris said...

One can understand your difficulty in taking such idiocy seriously. On the other hand, there is currently a person in the White House who is surely of this ilk, and he has managed, thus far, to end the lives of 600K+ sentient beings.

"Bush's Botched Joke."
But not funny.

Kvatch said...

Oh damn! Another thing to give up so that Arhnult doesn't accuse me of being a "girly frog".

JollyRoger said...

My buddy of the highways, ascap_scab, commented on this just the other day.

So do ya think Jesusistan wack job preachers in Colorado drink more soy milk than they should? :)

enigma4ever said...

nope...they didn't drink enough soy milk....'s always something...
so I guess they are trying to say that Tofu eaters are in some way defective ? .....
hmm, I think those that spend time at OUTBACK are more likely to be damaged...but what do I know...

No Blood for Hubris said...

What about Mary Cheney and Heather Poe and soy? Not enough, also? Why won't they care enough to make an honest woman out of each other?