Thursday, May 25, 2006

Official No Blood for Hubris Mental Health Interlude

"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey

"The President will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which is historic. It will be the first time he's actually ever shown up with a National Guard unit." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno
"No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators." --Bill Maher
"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno
"It is astounding, is it not, that the president, who was always so incestuously linked to oil companies for years and years is suddenly shocked, shocked, at what's going on. But I'm not surprised that Bush has no recollection of how gas prices got so high. He has no recollection of doing cocaine and that was right under his nose" --Bill Maher

"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman
"I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno

"Bush said today canceling [the ports deal] sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad." --Bill Maher
"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'" --David Letterman
"President Bush's childhood home was turned into a museum. ... After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I hope they got rid of the scary thing under my bed.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you know former President Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time? That was Garfield. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'We had a talking cat for president?'" --Jay Leno

"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey
"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Belgium and things got tense when the Prime Minister demanded the U.S. close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. President Bush quickly replied, 'The prison is closed. That's how we keep them in there.'" --Conan O'Brien

1 comment:

james said...

Oh man, I haven't laughed so hard in awhile. Thanks for the levity.