"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher
"Some people still love him. He also spoke this week at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bullshit." --Bill Maher
"The president also had a moving ceremony this week for the Tuskegee airmen, the all black aviation squadron from World War II. A lot of these guys in their late 80s now. They were given gold medals, they were thanked, they were honored, and then the were re-activated and sent to Iraq." --Bill Maher
"In an interview, Rudy Giuliani's wife admitted that Rudy Giuliani is not her second husband. Actually, he's her third husband. She forgot about her first. But Rudy understands. When they started dating, he forgot he had a wife, too." --Jay Leno
"Homeland Security announced that there are 600,000 fugitives unaccounted for in America. And those are just the ones in the Bush administration." --Jay Leno
"An aide to the newly elected Democratic Senator Jim Webb of Virginia was arrested for trying to bring the senator's gun into the Senate office building. Webb said he needed the gun for protection. Apparently, he had an afternoon meeting with Vice President Cheney." --Jay Leno
"According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. . . . If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
"I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno
"Of course, President Bush is worried too. He thinks this could hurt his guest attorney general worker program." --Jay Leno
"When DeLay was cheating and having sex with all these women, that's when he earned the nickname 'Five-second DeLay.'" --Jay Leno
"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh -- they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno
"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. . . . Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert
"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. . . . We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. ... In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher
"Looks like the Democrats are starting to get a little ballsy. The House of Representatives voted today to order President Bush to bring the troops home by September of next year. It passed barely. The Republicans, except for two, all voted against that. Republican Sam Johnson of Texas said, 'This bill literally hands the enemy our war plan.' Which would be embarrassing ... since it's written on a cocktail napkin." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein!'" --Bill Maher
"Alberto Gonzales still fighting for his life. Bush said this week that Gonzales has his full support and he has no plans to fire him. Of course, he made that statement in front of a big sign that said 'Adios Amigo.'" --Bill Maher
"You can tell it's Spring. Laura Bush's smile is beginning to thaw." --Bill Maher
"I love the springtime. It's a time of renewal when the old U.S. attorneys are plowed under ... and the new ones are beginning to sprout. It's a time when Rudy Giuliani picks out his Easter dress." --Bill Maher
"Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said today that the toughest part about getting married to his current wife was finding a wedding song that they both haven't used before." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said today that he has legal opinion on his side in the Alberto Gonzales case. President Bush can claim executive privilege, according to his lawyer -- Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno
"Commenting on the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq this week, President Bush said, 'It can be tempting to look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude our best option is to pack up and go home.' He then added, 'But -- we need to stay crazy and not do that.'" --Amy Poehler
1 comment:
My favorite:
"An aide to the newly elected Democratic Senator Jim Webb of Virginia was arrested for trying to bring the senator's gun into the Senate office building. Webb said he needed the gun for protection. Apparently, he had an afternoon meeting with Vice President Cheney." --Jay Leno
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