Sunday, April 29, 2007

Official No Blood for Hubris Mental Health Interlude No. 2983

"Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Alberto Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he'd had no idea Gonzales could lie like that." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno

"Reviews of Gonzales' performance were mixed. 99.99% of the people who saw it felt he embarrassed himself. The other .01% was this guy [on screen: Pres. Bush]" --Jon Stewart

"In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales maintains that he still won't resign. ... Really, Alberto Gonzales? You're not going to resign? ...

During the hearings, you said 'I don't remember' or ' I don't recall' over 50 times. Don't lawyers need to have good memories? ... I'd rather have the guy from 'Memento' as a lawyer. My Commodore 64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water.

Even the most conservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he's so conservative, he thinks watching 'Will and Grace' gives you AIDS" --Seth Meyers

"Really, President Bush? You think [the Gonzales testimony] went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler

"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher

"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler

"The White House said today that they have lost the e-mails requested by congressional investigators -- e-mails that may have dealt with the firing of those eight federal prosecutors. They lost them. Today the administration assured Americans that they are not corrupt, just incompetent." --Jay Leno

"Republican candidate Mitt Romney says that Hillary Clinton is wrong when she says it takes a village to raise a child. But when Hillary's book came out, Romney said Hillary was right and it does take a village to raise a child. For a lifelong hunter, this guy sure shoots himself in the foot a lot." --Jay Leno

"Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand." --Jay Leno

"President Bush picked [Iraq war architect Paul] Wolfowitz to head the World Bank in 2005. His mission? Use its mighty financial resources to raise the living standards of people around the world. His first beneficiary? Well, his girlfriend.

Last week it was disclosed that Wolfowitz had used his influence to get a promotion and a raise for his long-time paramour, World Bank employee Shaha Ali Riza -- considered to be a foremost expert on the Middle East. Which means -- you know what they say -- opposites attract." --Jon Stewart

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